Last week we were talking about pain during sex. And while there are many things that can cause pain or discomfort, one thing remains true regardless of the cause; you need to talk to your partner. According to WebMD, "Research shows that about half of women don’t tell their partners that sex is painful.”
The one thing that seems hardest for people when it comes to sex is speaking up. In fact, folks will take just about any class, or read any book, hoping to learn skills that will get them out of having a conversation. But there’s just no way around it. Everyone is different, and no amount of sexual know-how makes it so you don’t need to talk to your partner. And while I know it can feel awkward or scary at first, I promise that once you get the hang of it, talking about sex is actually one of the best parts!
The only way to get what you want is to tell your partner(s) what you want. And especially if you’re experiencing pain or discomfort, you need to have a conversation. Not only do you owe it to yourself to not endure painful sex, but ignoring the problem is likely to make it worse, in several ways. Not only might physical harm be happening, but your body will learn that sex hurts, and this can effect your ability to cultivate sexual desire and can have a big impact on intimacy over time.
Here are some ways to have the conversation.
1. Give the other person a head’s up that you want to discuss something. And no, that doesn’t mean an ominous, “We need to talk,” and then leaving them hanging. Instead, be transparent about what you’d like to talk about, and find a time that works well for both of you. The best way to have a tricky conversation is when everyone is able to be fully present. So, no one is in a rush and everyone is well rested and fed, etc. Try something like, “I’ve been experiencing some discomfort during sex recently and I’d like to talk about it. Would after dinner tonight work for you?”
2. If the discomfort, or pain, is acute it might not be able to wait. If you’d like to bring it up in the moment, it’s always okay to change your mind or shift activities. Try something like, “This position (or activity, etc.) isn’t working for me right now, can we try…?”
One of the reasons people avoid saying no to something, or saying something isn’t working, is they don’t want everything to come to a stop. If you can pivot directly to another activity, it can feel easier to make the shift. So, a specific example of that could be, “I’m struggling with penetration right now, how about we switch to mutual masturbation?”
3. It’s not your job to stroke your partner’s ego. But if you’re worried about hurting their feelings, you can be mindful of how you frame the issue. One way to do this is by starting with something positive. “I really love our sexual connection and the way you touch me. Recently I’ve been experiencing some pain during sex. I’d love to find ways to work through this together.”
4. If you’re having trouble finding all the words, it can be helpful to see a Sex Coach or Sex Therapist to help you work through the issue together.
While you’re working through the issues causing pain, be sure to focus on other forms of intimacy and pleasure. Sex isn’t just about penetration! Enjoy external stimulation, exchange massage and spend time snuggling. Sometimes when certain kinds of sex are off the table, all forms of touch cease. And this can lead to other problems in the relationship. So put some extra effort into maintaining intimacy while working through sexual discomfort.