“I have a partner that is experiencing Depression medication triggered ED. He's expressing concern that our relationship will end because of it. I've reiterated that i'm here for him and still satisfied whatever the sexual structure is (sex is great but i'm really into the company the most). Is there any general advice that you can give in helping people dealing with this (women deal with it too, on one med I can’t come at all) and is there any you would give partners of people experiencing this?”
For starters, I’d like to unpack “ED” a little bit. Short for erectile dysfunction, concern about this disorder didn’t really hit the mainstream until there was a pill to ‘fix’ it. Yep, we have Viagra to thank for a lot of our self consciousness about erections. Their ad campaigns led people to believe that erections were supposed to show up whenever you want, and last as long as you want. And that’s simply not how bodies work.
Medically, there’s a pretty narrow definition of the various dysfunctions. Whether that’s erectile dysfunction or ‘premature’ ejaculation. But both terms have slipped into common usage with much broader meanings.
In relationships, it’s helpful to have frank discussions about what sex means to everyone involved. Are you just talking about penis-in-vagina? If so, it can be especially upsetting if something comes up for either person that takes that off the table. Having a broader definition of sex (the broader the better) means you have a lot more options if one or two things aren’t working at any given time. A classic in the field that helps address this issue is She Comes First.
The idea is this, if you feel like you can’t count on an erection, then just take it out of the equation. Focus on other things. Use hands, mouths, and toys to find the sexual connection and satisfaction you’re looking for.
If you’re dealing with something that’s more of a mental block, taking the pressure off getting an erection over the course of a few sexual episodes is often enough to make them easier to achieve. And in the case of a medical or medication induced lack of erection, it still gives you other ways to connect, share intimacy, and feel like a good lover.
Did you know an erection isn’t required to experience pleasure? While it can feel incredibly vulnerable to have your soft penis played with, especially if this is new to you, it is possible to experience pleasure and even orgasm this way! Many of the same hand and mouth techniques work the same way with or without an erection. And as a bonus, it’s easier to fit a soft penis in your mouth, so this can be a nice treat for people who sometimes struggle to perform oral sex, or aren’t comfortable with deep throating.
So my advice for everyone, regardless of gender (because as you point out, everyone’s sexual function can change over time or be affected by medication) is to talk to your partner. Talk about what sex means to you, and why it’s important. When you know the why, you’re better able to find other ways to meet those needs. In fact, even having these conversations is a great way to build intimacy and connection.
It also comes down to believing our partners. We tend to believe bad things quickly and good things slowly. Think about it… if you’re giving your partner a shoulder rub and they say “ouch” you stop right away and figure out what went wrong, don’t you? But for some reason, when people tell us they’re enjoying something, or that something isn’t a problem, we doubt it.
That’s why we want to cultivate trust as we’re having these conversations. Be honest and direct when something is bothering you. If you never raise any issues, it becomes easier to believe you’re hiding things. The more honest we can be about what we’re enjoying, as well as what could use improvement, the easier it is to believe what’s being said.
For more about sex and depression, check out JoEllen Notte’s book, The Monster Under The Bed.