Is the sex worth wanting?
When clients present with claims of low desire, there’s an essential question to be asked: is the sex worth wanting?
I was first introduced to this question by Peggy Kleinplatz during the Sex Therapy Training Intensive at the University of Guelph and it blew my mind — and helped a lot of ideas fall into place.
Here’s the thing, when someone in a relationship talks about sex, most of the time they aren’t talking about sex in general. They’re talking about a particular kind of sex with a particular person.
So, is that particular sex worth wanting?
When you’re having sex, are you experiencing pleasure — however you define it? Are you being touched in ways that you enjoy? Are you having orgasms? Are you feeling close and connected to your partner? Are you feeling seen, understood, wanted?
If the answer to some of these questions is ‘no’ then maybe not wanting that particular sex is entirely reasonable.
But rather than framing it that way, our culture tends to make a series of assumptions. First, that sex is something everyone should always want. And, following that, if someone doesn’t want sex, there’s something wrong with them that requires treatment.
What if it’s the sex that requires treatment? Or the relationship itself?
Sometimes, sex can be the canary in the coal mine of the relationship. If the sex starts to feel off, or less desirable, it can be letting you know that there’s something else that needs to be worked on. Has communication been off? Have there been new stressors?
What about the sex? Has something changed recently? Or maybe your needs haven’t been met for a while, and you’re at your breaking point?
Sex and relationships are, well, relational. And while it is certainly important that the individuals in a relationship are also working on themselves, there are some issues that are difficult to tackle solo.
First, if you don’t want sex as often as your partner, ask yourself: do you want to want more sex?
Mismatched levels of desire are one of the most common relationship issues and it can be tempting to simply want to meet your partner where they’re at, or at least find a compromise everyone can live with. And sometimes a compromise can work really well. The question is, does the compromise actually meet everyone’s needs, or are both people outside of their comfort zone and building resentment?
Doing something you don’t want to do, just to please someone else, is rarely a sustainable solution. So first, make sure this is for you as much as it’s for them.
Remember that there are many different reasons to want sex. In fact, a study at the University of Texas came up with 237 reasons! From “I wanted to experience the physical pleasure” to “I wanted to feel connected to the person” and many other reasons besides.
That means sometimes a mismatch in what kind of sex, or how much sex, can actually be a mismatch in why people are having sex. The kind of sex you might have simply to experience pleasure or orgasm might not look like the kind of sex you’re having if connection is your main goal. Maybe you get off most easily in doggy style, but when you’re craving connection, you want eye contact, for example. So it’s helpful to get on the same page with your ‘why.’
It’s also possible to have your why in alignment, but the sex you’re having isn’t meeting that need for everyone involved. Maybe you’re both in it for pure pleasure, but it’s only pleasurable for one of you. In that case, it’s reasonable for the person who is getting less pleasure to want the sex less and less.
It can be an uncomfortable conversation to start, but it’s important to talk to your partner about where your needs or desires aren’t being met. Sometimes, a complete shift in language is helpful. If “sex” has come to mean something that’s only pleasurable for one person, maybe that word isn’t useful for a while. Instead, how about proposing something specific that that person will enjoy, anything from asking “may I give you a massage?” to “may I go down on you?” Over time, you should build enough positive experiences to know that a romp in the sheets can be fun for everyone involved.
So remember that if you’re experiencing a mismatch in desire, there can be a lot going on under the surface. Spend some time figuring out which pieces need work, and have an open conversation about them. As scary as those talks might feel, it’s generally preferable to the long-term damage of not talking about it at all.
Have you dealt with mismatched desire in a relationship? Tell us about it in the comments.