We’ve learned a lot in the last eight months about communication. And for a lot of people, it’s been a crash course. At best, people are used to having risk and safety conversations with their sexual partners. But when it comes to COVID, it’s trickier than a lot of people are used to, because these conversations don’t just need to be had with our intimate partners, they need to happen with our friends, our families, and anyone we live with. Maybe our co-workers or other connections, too. We need to figure out how to shift from a purely personal risk assessment, to a community based risk assessment.
People with multiple partners have some experience with this. We know that our choices don’t affect only us, but they affect everyone else in our larger circles. And now this circle is even more broad.
What are we feeling?
This year has been hard for everyone. From my friends, my clients, and my students I’ve been hearing just how hard. I’m hearing about fear, frustration, grief, anxiety, and numbness.
What are you feeling?
When beginning a risk and safety conversation, it can help to be upfront about your feelings and your fears. Be vulnerable and ask the other person to do the same.
Communication reduces anxiety.
While we have more information than we did in the spring, we’re still managing a lot of unknowns. And people are rightfully anxious — me included. The good news is that communication reduces anxiety. So while it might feel scary to start these conversations, we’ll hopefully feel more at ease after we’re able to share, state boundaries, and come to mutual agreements.
Figure out what you need to feel safe.
Do your reading and your research. Gather enough information to understand where your personal boundaries need to be.
Most of us default to people pleasing or going with the flow. This can lead us to do things we’ll later regret. The easiest way to make sure you stay in your own comfort zone, is to make clear boundaries with yourself so that you’re not making any snap judgments in the moment.
Consider your COVID yes/no/maybe list.
While this is far from an exhaustive list, use these examples to get your ideas flowing, and think about what decisions you’re likely to be faced with in your day-to-day life.
Sharing food or drink prepared by a friend?
Ordering take-out
Interacting with people outdoors
6’ or more
10’ or more
with masks
without masks
Interacting with people indoors
6’ or more
10’ or more
with masks
without masks
Saying and hearing ‘no’
A lot of people aren’t comfortable saying no. And a lot of people aren’t comfortable hearing no. Now is the time to get very used to both.
Find ways to say no that are about you, your comfort, and your needs.
Find ways to hear no that allow you to respect other people for taking care of themselves, without feeling shamed for your own choices.
“Saying no to something or someone right now, often means having more freedom and choice to saying yes to something or someone later on.” Molly Adler, LCSW
A few practical considerations
We are bad at making estimations! When we guess at 6’, we stand closer to friends than to strangers — and our estimation abilities are even worse when we’re intoxicated.
We also overestimate our own compliance with rules and guidelines, while underestimating that of others. To help combat this, talk in specifics rather than generalizations. Don’t ask, “have you been safe?” Instead, discuss the particulars of your safety protocols.
Even with the best intentions, people forget things. We see folks mess up in safer sex talks and now we’re asking about even less memorable activities — maybe including every hug and every shopping trip. Asking specific questions can help job both our memories, and that of others.
What about consent?
Are you talking to everyone you share airspace with about your choices and actions? If you’re not having detailed conversations with everyone, how do you manage consent?
While far from a perfect system, try to figure out a base level of accepted risk among your contacts. For example, is going to a grocery store acceptable? If so, than perhaps activities that are no more risky than that don’t need a separate conversation — for example, seeing a friend on the street and having a masked, distanced chat for a few minutes.
But if you’re going to engage in something more risky than that shopping trip — maybe hanging out in a crowded bar or kissing someone — then you may be engaging in more risk than your connections have consented to being exposed to.
What goes into the conversation?
If we treat a COVID talk like a safer sex talk, you might include items like,
Recent activities
Your safety habits, (mask wearing, hand washing, etc)
Testing history and results
Boundaries
Feelings
Fears
COVID symptoms
COVID exposure
Health based risk factors
High risk people in inner circle
What helps you feel safe?
What aligns with your values?
Boundaries may change based on developing information
As I write this, we’re going into a hard winter. COVID numbers are up, hospitals are worried about capacity, and many cities, states, and countries are reinstating stricter restrictions. Before deciding on your boundaries, or what goes into your conversations, be sure to check the current rules and guidelines where you live.
What kind of conversations have you been having?