A fantasy exploration tool
Using erotica as a narrative yes/no/maybe list
In my work, fantasy exploration comes up on a regular basis, so I figured it was time to share one of my favorite techniques here on Splash.
You may be familiar with a yes/no/maybe list. It’s a tool typically used in the kink & BDSM scene, though they’re helpful for any kind of sexual exploration or negotiation. Basically, it works like a menu.
If you were to go to a restaurant, (or these days - order takeout) you wouldn’t have to pull from your imagination what you want to eat out of all the foods available in the world. Of course not. No, you’d look at the menu from the restaurant of your choice, and consider the items they have available. Based on their descriptions you can imagine each item, and see if it sounds like what you’re in the mood for in that moment.
Yes/no/maybe lists work the same way. You can look through the list of items and consider each one based on your current mood. Sometimes there’s a bit of research involved, too. Much like looking at a restaurant menu and needing to google an ingredient or two, you’re likely to see items on a yes/no/maybe list that you’ve never heard of before.
These lists are great tools that I regularly recommend to folks. There’s a basic one you can download from my website, and I also include one in my first book Tongue Tied, and I also include a threesome specific yes/no/maybe list in my upcoming book.
But as useful as these lists can be, I know that for some folks it can be hard to wrap their minds around the activities listed in the abstract. “Spanking,” for example, can seem unappealing out of context. What kind of spanking? How would it go? What would it feel like?
To help provide some of this context, I like to use erotica anthologies as a narrative form of yes/no/maybe list.
How does that work? Grab some multi-colored sticky tabs and pick up a book of erotica (or several.) I like to use anthologies in particular because if there’s an author or story you’re not crazy about you’re only a couple pages away from the next thing. In fact, you can even get erotica anthologies of short-shorts, and only make a commitment of 500-1,000 words per story.
When you’re shopping for erotica, you can stay general or get specific. There are books that focus on bondage or kink. There are books written by and for women. There are books of queer erotica. Whatever you’re into (or curious about) there’s a book available. If you’d like somewhere to start, a few of my favorites are here on my website.
Then, grab your stickers. Maybe red, yellow, and green for easy reference, but any colors you like will work. Start reading through the stories and when you find something that turns you on, or catches your interest, give it a green sticky. When you find something that’s a turn off, or limit for you, give it a red sticky. If you’d like to take it one step further, give anything that you’re curious about, but not sold on, a yellow sticky.
Once you’ve made it though several stories (or several books) you should have plenty of sticky tabs to look back through. Do you notice any themes? Do your green tabs have anything in common? Maybe you’ve discovered that the spanking scenes do it for you, but you prefer when they’re over-the-knee. Or maybe you’ve noticed that name-calling is a turn off.
Whatever you discover is useful information. And knowing what you’re not into is just as valuable as knowing what you are into. Based on this information, you can get more books about the things you like, find classes on those topics, or dive in and tell a partner about what you’d like to try.
If want to do this exercise with a partner, there are a couple of options. You can use the same book but different colors of sticky tabs. Or, if you don’t want to influence each other’s choices, get two copies of the same book and go through them on your own. Then you can get together and compare notes.
Does this sound like something you’ll try? Let me know in the comments. And please share any other favorite fantasy exploration tools you have.
The Virtual Release Party for The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes is on March 9th, hosted by SheBop. Find more info and register on their website.
The next Splash ask-me-anything event is on February 23rd, at 6pm pacific. This is for paid subscribers only so be sure to sign up in time to join us!